


They tell us to carry on

by notreallystraight



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: ALL the tags, Bi, F/F, F/M, Gay, Magic, Multi, and other stuff, carry on, no one reads the tags anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-10-17
Packaged: 2018-08-18 21:44:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8177095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notreallystraight/pseuds/notreallystraight
Summary: (this is a mash-up with The 100 and the book Carry On by Rainbow Rowell. It's basically The 100 in the Carry On universe. You won't have to know anything about Carry On to read this! I'll explain everything!)I might mention child abuse, bullying, starvation, death and other things. If you're not comfortable reading that please don't read this! If you want more information about those things (kind of like a heads up on what's I'll write) please message me on tumblr!Lexa's the chosen one. She knows that. She also knows that being The Chosen One is not as great as it may seem. She's the reason her friends are either dead or have lost someone. And that's the worst feeling in the world. For seven years she's been at the Watford school for wizard as herself.She's been fighting goblins, gremlins, a dragon. All because of The Insidious Humdrum. It's master plan is to kill her, she doesn't know why. She thinks it's to get her powers, she is in fact the most powerful wizard on earth and the only one who can kill the Humdrum and save the world.But she doesn't actually want to do that. She just wants to be with her friends for her last year at Watford.





	1. we'll grow soon enough

She's exiting but scared, whatever's waiting for her at Watford is something she'll have to be ready for. But she's not, she hasn't been for the past seven years. Every year since she was eleven years old, she's had this strange feeling in the pit of her stomach whenever she sits down in the train. It's like she wants to go there, see her friends, and talk to Indra - or The Mage, as she likes to be called. She misses Indra, The Mage. She's the closest she's ever had to an adult caring for her, although sometimes she's not sure if The Mage actually cares for her or if she's just interested in the stuff Lexa can do. 

No matter what The Mage makes sure Lexa gets fed and has a place to sleep at night. And that has to mean something. 

But Lexa misses her friends, most of all. She misses the crazy things they do and say and she misses every fight they've ever had - and there has been a lot of fights. She misses Octavia, Lincoln, Jasper, Monty, Murphy and Clarke. Of course she misses Clarke. But with the kiss at the ending of the last school year, she's not sure what to expect. Everything happened so quickly. The Death Angel, that had been hiding at the school for almost two years, had come back out. And Lexa was in a bad mood that day and when she's in a bad mood, well, it gets riskier to be around her. 

See, with the amount of Power, capital 'p', Lexa possesses it's more likely to spill over the edge. It took The Mage a year or so before she found out how to make sure Lexa didn't blow up the entire school with a sneeze. 

All Lexa has to do it make sure she's not sad, angry, upset, scared or anything other than calm. Some of the other kids, the ones who aren't scared of Lexa, like to mess with her. They tell her she's on her Power Period and that she should be locked up somewhere to keep everyone safe.They tell her she's on all sorts of drugs to keep herself calm and that's why she's so stupid all the time. They tell her she can't even be aroused or ells she's kill everyone. 

It took years (and a few broken arms and legs and she even burned off one girl's eyebrows) before Lexa learned to ignore them. 

But now she's on her way back to the school and she finds her mental list of everything to keep her calm when she'll be walking through the gates. 

1\. Keep breathing.    
2\. Ignore the people starring and the people who are walking away from you.    
3\. Ignore everyone.    
4\. Go to your room and wait for Raven to come.    
5\. Don't fuck this up.

The train stops and she gets out. There are still a few minutes of walking through the forest before she gets to the gate. 

It felt like seconds because now she's standing outside a massive, silver gate with the words 'Magic separates us from the world: Let nothing separate us from each other'. The first time she stood there, eleven years old, she thought that was going to be her first tattoo, that she'd get it written on her forehead for everyone to remember. It sounds so promising; she was being welcomed to a new community. 

And she was, she really was. 

But then the goblins attacked the school and Lexa tried to fight them on her own - no one else dared. And then she almost died, but Clarke grabbed her hand and told her to go crazy - she must've read the stories about Lexa to know that - and Lexa did, in fact, go crazy.

She screamed as loud as she could and she kept screaming until she could feel her lungs burn and then she stopped to look at the fried corpses of the goblins, laying all around them. And the kids, the little children that she had shared a seat with on the train, they stood in front of the castle and they were crying, they were terrified. Lexa thought they were scared of the goblins but they were scared of her. 

Then the bullying started and it got worse and worse. She thought she might run away. She tried a couple of times. But The Mage told her she had to be stronger and fight through the children's words, that Lexa was there for a bigger reason that to be happy and to learn. She was going to save the world one day. 

A guy she hasn't seen before - there are so many people at the school she sees a new face every day - stands before her. He tells her to stand still. 

"Why? " Lexa asks, almost out of breath from hurrying through the forest to get here. 

"The Mage says the Humdrum could try and sneak in here, looking like you. " He almost smiles. Obviously he's not a big fan of Lexa's, not a lot of people are. 

"Great, " Lexa says. "Now what? " 

"Are you the Humdrum? " He asks and Lexa can't stop herself from laughing. 

"That's your way to make sure the Humdrum won't get in here? " 

"Just answer the question, crazy. " Lexa flinches when he calls her that. Then he opens the gate before she even gets to answer, so she walks in. 

"Why- " 

"I knew you weren't the Humdrum when you flinched. The Humdrum wouldn't care about me calling it crazy, crazy. " He almost spits. 

"Don't piss me off, dude. I just got here, " She says and walks up the hill to get to the castle.

She's been there for five minutes and she can already feel the heat rising in her fists. She takes three deep breaths, goes through her list again and again and again, until she's standing outside the entrance of the castle. 

A few people are walking in and out, more faces she's never seen before. 

"Crazy, " Someone hisses from behind her. 

"Fucking crazy, " Another one says. None of them are anywhere near her, they're all somewhat scared their words will have an effect on her. Sometimes she actually thinks about going off, saying it was an accident and that they were teasing her to do it. It might even sound possible. But then she thinks about how likely The Mages, not just Indra but the rest of them from other schools around the world, will let her stay at the school to make sure she's there for when The Humdrum decides to try and kill everyone. 

So she takes a deep breath and pushes her way through the group of people who've gathered around her, and she keeps walking until she gets to her room. 

She drops her backpack on her bed, it's on the opposite side of the door, Raven likes to sleep as close to the door as possible. It was probably something she thought about the moment she found out she was sleeping in the same room as Lexa. She needed to be close to the door if Lexa suddenly had a nightmare and went off - that did actually happen a few times when she was younger. 

She starts unpacking and changes into her school wear. It's a pair of black jeans, a shaggy, yellow tank top and a thin, leather jacket with the school's logo on the back. She could wear a cape, but she's not doing that anymore. When the kids started telling her she was playing a superhero, she didn't like the cape, no matter how many times Clarke told her she looked cool with it on. 

She hates the cape now. 

Lexa drops to her bed and, without even trying, she falls asleep. 

"Lexa. " She jumps up from the bed and looks to the door. 

"In- The Mage, " She says, getting up and standing straight. She tries to fight the urge to run to her and hug her. She always does that, fights. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you, you must've had a long journey here. " 

"You did send me to Liverpool, miss. " Lexa tries not to sound annoyed, but she is. 

"I wanted you to get away from here, to see the world with a different light, " The Mage says and walks to the window, looking down at the fields. The goats are walking freely around, grassing. 

"You wanted me to go to Liverpool because they're almost out of magic, miss. " Lexa knows that. Liverpool doesn't have a lot of wizards, she wouldn't be recognized as much as she does in London. 

"Correct. " Indra's voice is stern. She has one hand on her sword and one behind her back. Her chin is lifted and she's looking down at Lexa, even though Lexa's taller than her. Indra just has a way to always look down at people, it's her way of showing that she's in control. She's always in control. 

"You killed the Death-Angel at the ending of last year, Lexa. " The Mage likes to state facts. It's like she's making a mental list of everything that's happened. 

"I did, " Lexa says, confused. 

"And you didn't hurt anyone. "

"That's a surprise. I did blow up the old classroom building, miss. " 

"You did. And the other Mages aren't happy about hearing that. So, please, tell what happened and why you decided to kill it alone, not getting help or anything. " The Mage obviously isn't a big fan of Lexa's decision. 

"I saw it on the fields. It was feeding on a unicorn, a pure bread unicorn, and I had to do something. I tried to do different spells, I even had my wand out and everything, miss. But it hit me and it started hurting, a lot. So I passed out and when I woke up the building was dust and the Death-Angel was gone. My friends told me they saw it through the windows, everyone did, and it just started burning. That I was burning it. I don't remember it, miss. I thought I was passed out, dead. I don't know, I didn't know I was doing it. I did it alone because I didn't want people to get hurt, miss. Too many have died because of me- "

"And more will. But, surely, millions more will die if you don't fight when the time is ready. Save your powers for the real fights and let me take care of other evil creatures that may come. " The Mage turns from the window to face Lexa, straight on. "You need to be careful, " She says and Lexa's almost sure she can see some sort of heartbreak in Indra's eyes. As if she's scared something will happen to Lexa and not just because if Lexa dies the rest of the world will die, but that she actually cares for her. 

"Yes, miss. " Lexa lifts her chin a little. 

The door slams open and in comes Raven, a million bags and her phone playing some sort of dubstep song, on full speaker. She stops dead when she sees The Mage.

"Shit, " She says and drops her stuff on the floor, just a little inside the room. 

"I'll get going, " The Mage says with a confused look on her face, it's probably her reaction to the horrible music Raven's playing. She leaves the room quickly.

"Fucking shit, " Raven says again and Lexa starts laughing, something she hasn't done all summer. "You could've at least texted me! I didn't know she was in here! " Raven yells and collapses on her bed. 

"That was great, " Lexa says and sits down again. She always feels her shoulder drop a little when The Mage leaves the room. It's like she only truly relaxes when she's not there, and she's not sure that's a good thing. 

"Screw you, Lex. " Raven laughs and turns off the music. 

"I've missed you, Raven Reyes. " Lexa grins. 

"I've missed you too, freak. " Raven laughs. It's weird how if anyone other than Raven called Lexa that she's be hurt, angry, upset. She'd probably go off or something. But when it's Raven it's fine, Raven can pretty much call everyone anything and they wouldn't be mad about it. Raven is the definition of cool. She's the only one in the group who's got actual friends out side of the group. The others like to tease her about it, Lexa thinks it's a good thing.

They talk for a while about their summer. Raven's been to India and Greenland and a million other places. She's probably seen so much she could talk forever about it, but she lets Lexa talk about her boring summer in Liverpool, although Lexa does think the buildings are cool and the people are pretty. It's probably just because she was forced to be there that she didn't like it. 

When they’re done talking they decide to go down to the dining hall, it’s already late at night. It always surprises Lexa how fast the first day goes. They walk down the swirly staircase, which connects the girls’ hallways to the entrance. A staircase, just like the one they’re walking on, is on the other side of the building, connecting the boy’s hallway to the entrance.

Then, from the entrance and down a hallway, through big, open doors, comes the dining hall. It used to be Lexa’s favorite place at the school. It’s the only place were everyone are together at the same time. Plus, Lexa’s always too skinny when she gets to the school after a summer of surviving on very little. It’s the place for her to stock up, build up her power again. 

Lexa and Raven walks past the first few tables, it’s always the new kids that sit there. A hundred new kids. Every year The Mage picks one hundred children from all over England and they get to go to Watford. Lexa’s never been more happy than the day The Mage found her on the side of the road, crying, and told her she was going to go home, finally.  
The Mage had been watching Lexa, she’d been noting down how Lexa’s power grew more and more powerful. 

The new kids start to gaze as Lexa walks past them. She has that effect on people, Raven likes to joke that it’s because she’s so handsome. In reality it’s because Lexa’s magic is so powerful it’s always affecting every magician around her. People get drunk on her power, that’s how The Mage explained it to her her first year. 

Lexa once asked how it feels for Raven to be around her all the time. 

“It’s like I can do anything. You could tell me I can fly, and for a second there, I might even believe it. “ Raven had said. “But it’s only when I haven’t been around you for a while, you know. People get used to it. You lose your thing, “ She said jokingly. 

It doesn’t really make sense to Lexa how other people feel about her magic. She doesn’t even feel it herself, only when she goes off. Then, it feels like a million pounds being lifted off her shoulders at once. It’s the best feeling in the world, the best and the worst. 

“Hey! “ Jasper jumps up from his chair with that boyish grin on his face. He hugs Raven and then Lexa. The same does Lincoln, then Monty, then Octavia and then they all sit. Murphy’s there too, but he doesn’t do hugging. Although Lexa’s sure he might need a hug once in a while.

She knows she does. 

“Where’s Clarke? “ Raven asks as they sit down as the table, eating the food that’s been put out for them.

“She won’t be here for another few days. “ Octavia smiles.

“Oh, sorry kid. “ Raven laughs, referring to Lexa missing Clarke, maybe she’s referring to Lexa kissing Clarke before school ended. No matter what, Lexa’s kind off sad that Clarke’s not here. But at the same time she’s kind of happy. Now she has time to relax and think about what to say to Clarke. 

It’s nice.

She's back. She's finally back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on tumblr @ notreallystraight if you wanna message me or ask me about the story/stories I'm writing <3


	2. smoke without fire

The next three days go by quicker than ever. Lexa’s been around the school a lot more than she’d planned. She wants to see everything, she wants to note down everything that has changed since she left before summer. 

The group hangs out by the football field a lot, watching Lincoln practice with some of the other kids. He’s the team captain and he’s got the job to make sure the new ones who’ve joined the team are ready for the game next week. 

The sun is shining. Something unexpected in the middle of August in England, or wherever they are. No one really knows. All they know is that somehow they always end up at Watford. 

“I’ll go down to the goats, guys. “ Lexa smiles. 

“You and the goats, “ Raven says, followed by a laugh.

“It’s so weird. “ Jasper grins. But they all wave goodbye. 

Lexa’s wearing her school clothes again, but with a warmer jacket. The sun might be shining, but it’s pretty late in the afternoon and, you know, it’s England. It’s really fucking cold. 

She gets to the fields after twenty minutes – that’s how big the area is. She’s pretty much on the other side of Watford. The goats are all over the place. Lexa takes a few deep breaths and then opens her fist in front of her. 

She tries to relax as much as possible, keeping her breathing nice and slow, and then she thinks about her magic pouring out of her, out through her hand. It feels nice, in a way. To pretend to know how to control your magic. To pretend that you’re not a ticking bomb.

After a while she gives up, nothing happens anyway. So she sits down on the grass and empties her head. She likes being here. She likes the sound of the goats chewing and the sound of the wind and the sound of everything. This is probably her favorite place on Watford. 

After a while she hears someone coming, so she gets up from the grass and turns around. Clarke’s standing not very far away from her. Lexa’s stomach starts playing tricks with her, it’s weird. She feels her hands get sweaty and her heart beat skipping beats. 

It’s so weird. 

But suddenly Clarke’s face changes to a big, warm smile and she runs to Lexa as fast as she can and Lexa stands there, enjoying every second of knowing what’s to come. 

Clarke gets to her and meets her in a hug so tight and overwhelming they both fall to ground, laughing. They lay in each other’s arms for a few seconds too long before they both sit up and look at one another. 

Clarke’s hair is shorter and the red color she accidentally conjured on her hair last year is gone. It’s nothing but curly, blonde hair. It’s almost golden. Lexa had forgotten how wonderful Clarke’s hair is. 

“Hey, “ Clarke says after a while. Her hand is still on Lexa’s knee. 

“Hey, “ Lexa says, almost out of breath. 

“Shit, I totally forgot how fucking powerful you are. “ Clarke laughs. “I feel pretty, uhm- “   
“Drunk on magic? “ Lexa asks, nervously. 

“Yeah, that’s it. “ Clarke laughs. Her hands are shaking. 

“I’m sorry, “ Lexa says, because she doesn’t know what else to say. Plus, she is sorry. It can’t really be a nice feeling, suddenly being involuntary drunk. 

“It’s okay. It’s nice, “ Clarke says. She looks down at her hands and now she notices how much she’s shaking. “Wow. “ She laughs, amazed. 

“Yeah, I got that effect on people, “ Lexa says and smiles when Clarke laughs at her joke. She’s not good at making jokes. The fear of people not laughing is too powerful. It’s funny how the thing that The Most Powerful Wizard On Earth fears is jokes. 

“I’ve missed you. “ Clarke smiles. “All summer. All I’ve been thinking about has been that… That kiss. “

“Capital K, “ Lexa says in a low whisper. 

“Yeah, capital K. “ Clarke laughs. But then Lexa doesn’t say anything else, because what would she say now? I’ve been thinking about it too and it was amazing and nice and I loved it. I loved every second of it. But the fact that I had to kill a powerful, evil creature for you to kiss me just shows how horrible I am for you. And just us being friends is putting you in such an incredible danger, so the thought of our friendship every growing and becoming more than that is terrifying. But know, if I wasn’t The Chosen One I’d be all over you right now. 

So as Lexa keeps her mouth shut, Clarke begins to panic. Lexa can see it instantly. She removes her hand from Lexa’s thigh and she looks away and wrenches her hands and fingers. She clears her throat, which just makes everything ten times worse and she knows it.

“You look skinny, “ Clarke says, suddenly. 

“I do. “ Lexa answers. 

“Have you been eating less, again? “ Clarke asks, because that’s one of her biggest worries.

“I have. “ Lexa answers. 

“Why? “ 

“Because I needed to. The Mage send me to Liverpool. “ 

“Fucking Liverpool, “ Clarke says and it makes Lexa laugh. They sit for a while, Clarke talks about her summer. She spent it at home with her mother. She visited Octavia a few times, but Abby’s not a big fan of Octavia’s family. Though, she went to Bellamy’s funeral and helped set it up, no one wanted Octavia do that alone. No one’s that cold. 

Lexa remembers the day Bellamy died as if it was yesterday. They were twelve years old, all of them, and it was their second year at Watford. They had all settled into their routine quickly, all of them loved Watford more than anything.

The Mage, Indra, had strengthened the fence after the goblin attack the year before. But, Indra’s not strong enough to strengthen the fence by herself and the other Mages weren’t there to help her. So the Humdrum had teleported gremlins inside the walls. 

Bellamy and Clarke were training some spells out on the field. Lexa was not far away from them, she was with the goats. She likes watching Clarke train. There’s something fascinating about watching her control her magic. It’s something Lexa never will be able to do. 

Suddenly the gremlins were everywhere, they were all around the field. Lexa ran to Bellamy and Clarke, but suddenly Bellamy dropped to the ground. It happened so quickly. Clarke ran to him, he was dead long before she’d fought her way through the gremlins.

When Clarke had dropped down, Lexa screamed for her to lie down on the ground. She did. Lexa took a deep breath and started screaming, she felt like she had to scream to get her power out, she doesn’t do that anymore. 

Her power poured out of her and killed all of the gremlins instantly. But it was too late. Bellamy was gone and it was because of Lexa, she knew that. Everyone knew it, hell, even Bellamy must’ve known it the second he felt the gremlin’s sword go through his chest.

It hurts to think about it, so Lexa tries not to. 

Lexa walks to her room a little after Clarke went back inside to greet the rest. Lexa sits down on her bed, Raven’s reading one of her comics. It’s only a matter of seconds before The Mage comes in. Her head held high, there’s some tension between her actions and her mind. Lexa can see it instantly. 

“The Mage, “ Lexa says and gets up out of bed. Raven hasn’t seen or heard anything, she’s wearing her headphones and she’s probably listening to the same music as she was a few days ago. 

“Raven! “ Lexa hisses and Raven looks towards her and sees The Mage. She jumps out of bed and rips off her headphones. 

“The Mage, “ She says, the same surprised tone as Lexa’s. 

“Please, Raven Reyes, leave us for a minute, “ The Mage says kindly, she almost smiles. Which doesn’t make sense because her fists are clenched, one of them around her sword.

“Of course, “ Raven says and leaves, she takes her comic magazine with her, along with her phone and headphones.

“What’s wrong? “ Lexa asks as soon as Raven closes the door behind her.

“Everything is wrong, “ The Mage says. She sounds almost helpless. 

“The Mages are getting more and more upset about me keeping you here. They’re saying you’re getting too powerful, that magicians all of the world want to come and meet you in person, just to feel your power. “

“What? Why? “ Lexa asks, forgetting to be respectful. “Miss, “ She corrects herself. 

“You did slay a dragon one year- “

“I didn’t slay the dragon! The rest of the school did. I didn’t want them to! It didn’t have to die! “ Lexa says, failing to keep her voice down. 

“Please! “ The Mage hisses. “Calm down, “ The Mage says. She must’ve felt Lexa’s power dripping out of her, fuming over. Lexa didn’t even notice. That’s the scary part. She doesn’t feel her own magic until she’s mid going off. 

“I’m sorry, “ She says, shaking. 

“I’ve told them to mind their own businesses. But they want me to send you away. “ The words almost hurt Indra as she says it. 

“No! “ Lexa screams, forgetting how close she was to go off just seconds ago.

“Lexa calm down, “ The Mage says in a controlled, calm voice. But Lexa doesn’t hear it. She doesn’t understand. 

“How will it help sending me away? I’m safer here! Everyone’s safe here! I can’t, Indra. I cannot leave this place! My friends are here! “ She screams. 

“LEXA! “ The Mage says. Her hands are shaking now. Lexa can see how her power is affecting The Mage. The Mage isn’t a strong wizard, she’s a smart one. And Lexa’s power could easily kill her. That’s why the Humdrum is after her. It want’s to use her magic to kill everyone. Or something like that. Lexa’s not sure, but that’s what makes sense to her.

“I’m sorry! “ She yells but she can’t calm down. She falls to her bed and closes her eyes. Suddenly she feels The Mage’s hand on her shoulder. Lexa’s breathing fast, but Indra’s firm grip is calming her down. 

“Just breathe, okay? I won’t send you away, never. “ The Mage says it with a strange tone in her voice.

Lexa falls asleep soon after and when Raven gets back in the room she doesn’t wake Lexa up to ask her why the entire room is smelling like smoke. She just opens the window and lights a scented candle, as always.


	3. do you remember?

Raven skips breakfast the next morning. She tells Lexa she’s not feeling well and after ten minutes of convincing her that it’s fine and that she should get something to eat, Lexa leaves. All Raven really had to do was comment on how Lexa’s barely anything but skin and bones. 

That one always sticks with her. 

Raven feels terrible, she hates pointing out how horrible Lexa’s been over the summer. It’s always like that, every year. The Mage always sends her away without telling anyone where, and then she just comes back, thin, weak, different. It’s like she loses something every time she goes away from the school, away from the group. 

The Mage doesn’t see that, Raven knows it. The Mage may care about Lexa in some weird way no one will ever understand. But what Raven knows is that the main reason Lexa’s at the school, or even alive for that matter, is because she’s supposed to kill the Humdrum. 

But The Mage won’t even tell anyone why the Humdrum is after Lexa. Raven guessed a long time ago that The Mage knows why and that she just chooses not to tell Lexa. Lexa spent her first year guessing, and The Mage just encouraged her. She didn’t even tell her it didn’t matter or some shit like that. 

She made Lexa think she’d figure it out eventually.

But Raven can’t think about that right now. All she can think about is the burning pain in her leg. She sits up from her bed, she’s still wearing her tank top from yesterday and a pair of loose shorts. It’s always a million degrees in their room when Lexa’s there. Her power even warms the air around her, it’s crazy. 

Raven grabs her leg brace from the end of her bed. Finn made it for her. He carved his initials on the side of it. He made it in their third year, that’s when Raven’s leg got really bad. She remembers the day she was hurt, she wishes she didn’t. 

It was their first year at Watford. Everything was fine and well and then suddenly Lexa was out on the fields fighting dozens of goblins, Clarke had pushed her way past Raven and some other kids to go out and help Lexa. Raven thought about going out there too, but it was only when a teacher pushed her out of the way to get to Clarke and Lexa that Raven started running for it. 

Every day she wishes she’d just stood still with the rest of the children. 

But Raven had to be a part of the fight. So she ran towards a goblin that was coming for Clarke and suddenly Lexa started screaming and some weird wave of light or fire or something came towards Raven and she wasn’t fast enough to run away from it. 

The next thing she remembers was lying on the grass with kids around her, scared, and her leg hurting. She couldn’t move it and for a second she just thought someone had used a freezing spell or something. She’d read about that in her schoolbooks. 

But nothing happened for the rest of the year. Her leg kept hurting but she couldn’t move it. Lexa kept avoiding her, she felt guilty. And then suddenly the year ended and Raven was sick of Lexa being a scaredy-pants. So she got Lexa to follow her to the train Raven always takes to get to Watford and they talked for the whole way there. 

That’s when they became best friends. 

But a small part of Raven is stilled pissed at Lexa for hurting her. It pisses her off that Lexa can’t learn to control her magic, if she could, then maybe she could fix her leg. Normally you’d just fix injuries with magic, but when it’s the most powerful wizard on earth that’s broken you, it’s not just something anyone can fix. 

It has to be her. 

Raven puts on a loose pair of trouser to go over the brace, to hide it. She pulls on a hoodie, one of Finn’s, and ties her boots tightly and then she’s out. Her earphones in and head low as she walks down the stairs and out of the building.

She walks towards the forest, because no one ever goes there and Raven has this special place she likes.

It takes her about ten minutes to get there. It’s been raining all night, so the grass is more mud than grass and she keeps slipping and almost falling. Also, not being able to bend your leg doesn’t really help on the situation. 

But when she gets to the tree that’s been growing along the ground, a perfect place to sit, she leans against the trunk of the tree and tries to shut out the people running around on the football field. She focuses on the sound of the trees moving in the wind. 

But her leg is pounding underneath her trousers and she can’t shut that out. It hurts and it hurts and it hurts. She sits back up and rolls up her trousers. Bruises are starting to form around her knee, that’s never happened before. Not since the accident several years ago. 

“That doesn’t look too good. “

Raven turns her head up and sees Murphy standing a few feet away from her. 

“Neither do you, “ She says, almost whispers. But she’s right. His face is beaten up, he has cuts around his right eyebrow and lower lip. His knuckles are red and sore looking. The bags under his eyes are more prominent than his actual eyes, they’re a bluish, grey color. 

He laughs at her comment and takes a few steps closer to her, slowly, as if he’d startle her. 

“What the hell happened to you? “ Raven asks and moves a bit to let him sit next to her. She tries to hide the pain as she moves. 

“Let’s just say some people are not big fans of me, “ He says and looks up at the tree crowns. The leaves are falling down around them, getting caught in the wind. He looks at her, smiles a little and sits down next to her. 

“Can’t imagine why, “ Raven says and laughs a little, picking at a loose string at the edge of the hoodie. 

“How long has your leg been hurting? “ He asks as if it’s nothing. Like it’s common knowledge that Raven’s in serious pain. 

“Not long, really. A little over the summer, I think. It’s fine, though. “

He laughs a raw laugh. 

“Sure it is, “ He says. “But what are you going to do when you can’t actually walk anymore? “

That makes Raven turn to him and slap him. She doesn’t really know where the anger comes from, but she just felt like that was what she needed to do. 

“Ouch? “ He says with a stern look, licking some blood from his lip. She must’ve reopened the cut.

“Sorry. “ She doesn’t try to sound convincing, he knows that. 

“I didn’t mean to, you know, hurt you or anything. But the others kind of need to know at some point, Raven. “ He says her name in a weird way, Raven thinks. It sounds weird. Maybe it’s because he normally call her Reyes or a curse word or something.

“Not if it gets better. “ She doesn’t even believe that herself. 

“We both know it won’t. “ 

“Maybe, “ She says. 

“Maybe, “ He says. 

They both stay quiet for a while. Raven thinks about how it happened, again, she plays it over and over in her head and, somehow, a tear rolls down her cheek. 

“Shit, “ She whispers as she wipes it away. Murphy clearly doesn’t know what to do, so he turns to face her, leans back against the trunk of the tree and puts his legs on either side of the massive trunk they’re sitting on. 

“It fucking sucks, you know. “ Raven starts. “That the reason I’m in a constant pain is because of my best friend. And because of that I can’t even be mad about it. Like, she can’t help it. She didn’t ask to have so much power that she couldn’t control it. She didn’t mean to hit me and- “ 

“What the fuck are you talking about, Raven? “ Murphy asks annoyed. “You have every right to be pissed! You’re in pain and that’s what matters right now. It doesn’t matter how it happened or who did it. You can be upset if you want to, you know. Fuck everyone else, “ He says. 

Raven laughs a little, but that just ends up being forced and she starts crying even more. 

“Fuck, “ She whispers, she can’t wipe the tears away fast enough and soon she’s right on bawling her eyes out. 

“Jesus, Raven. I didn’t mean to make it worse, holy fuck. “ Murphy panics and that just makes her laugh even more, which makes it worse. It’s a horrible circle or tears and laughs. 

He moves closer to her and drags her in for a hug. She doesn’t think she’s ever hugged Murphy, but it’s nice. He’s really good at it when you think about how few people he must’ve hugged in his life. She knows he used to date this girl Emori, or something. It ended pretty badly, but he never talks about it.

It’s a tight, warm hug and he doesn’t seem to care that she’s crying all over his shoulder.   
When he starts to let go she turns her head towards him. He looks even worse close up, she can see one of his eyes is blue and green around the rim and his lip is swollen, it probably didn’t help that she punched him. 

Suddenly everything goes quiet and she can’t seem to hear the people on the football field anymore, or the leaves or the wind. She doesn’t seem to notice the pain or the tears that have stopped falling. All she cares about is how perfect her lips are fitting against Murphy’s and how right and wrong it feels at once. 

She’s kissing Murphy, Murphy. 

The sun’s shining at the top of the sky, giving Octavia and Raven a good excuse to drink their tea next to the football field. Lincoln’s practicing with the kids again, they’re doing okay. But one of the kids keeps getting out his wand and tries to make the opposite team’s goal twice as big to make it easier for him to score. But he just ends up making the grass grow and it’s all just a big mess. 

“I’m glad you’re feeling better, “ Octavia says with a smile. She takes out a few mugs, they have the Watford logo on them. It’s like they’re branding the school within the walls, it’s stupid. 

“Yeah, me too. “ Raven grabs the mug at takes a big sip of it, burning her tongue meanwhile. 

“You’re such a horrible liar, Raven. “ Octavia laughs. “What the hell’s up with you right now? “ Octavia asks, getting a cookie and dips it in her tea. 

“Nothing, I just. Uhm, “ Rave says. She’s struggling. A lot. “I was in the woods, trying to get some fresh air and Murphy just happened to be there. I was there first, of course. And, uhm, we just started talking and- “ 

“Holy fucking shit! Raven Reyes, did you fuck John Murphy in the forest? “ Octavia screams. 

“Shh! Oh my God, Octavia, I will murder you! “ Raven shushes her over and over again as Octavia falls back on the grass, laughing. 

“Okay, okay, okay! But did you- “ 

“No! We just, I don’t know, kissed. For a while. A long while, “ Raven can’t stop smiling, it’s so weird. She’s never thought about Murphy that way.

“This is great, “ Octavia says and takes another sip. 

“No, it’s not. “ Raven shifts awkwardly on the blanket they’re sitting on. “It’s only been two years since Finn- “ 

“Exactly. It’s been two years, Raven. You can at least, you know, experiment a little. “

“Is that an offer? “ Raven asks and winks at Octavia. Octavia laughs and pretends to seduce Raven by leaning over her and sticking out her tongue very dramatic, but neither of them can keep a straight face so they fall down on top of each other, laughing. 

“You’re such a weirdo, “ Raven says and breathes through the pain in her leg. It’s fine, she tells herself. 

Clarke sits down in her bed. Murphy’s on the other side of the room, laying down in Octavia’s bed with a sneaky smile on his face. 

“What’s up with you? “ Clarke asks, looking kind of grossed out. 

“Just enjoying Watford at its finest. Something wrong with that? “ Clarke just shakes her head and leans back against the wall. 

“When do you think the Humdrum will come? “ She asks, suddenly. It makes Murphy sit up in his bed and look at her, all serious, no smile. 

“I don’t know. Maybe in a few months or so? Stuff always seems to happen at the end of the school year. “ 

“Yeah, the Insidious Humdrum does seem to value education very much. “ Clarke laughs. 

“It’s going to be mental when it does happen, though, “ Murphy suddenly says. “There’ll be war, for real. I’m going to live in a time with war. That’s sick. “

“It’s not a war, “ She says. She always corrects him when he calls it a war. She thinks it gets too real. 

“Words are just words, Clarke. Just because I call it a war doesn’t mean it will make it worse or better. Words don’t change anything like that, “ He always says. 

“Do you think she’ll make it? “ Clarke asks, looking at Murphy with pleading eyes. 

“I honestly don’t know. “ He’s thought about that a lot, everyone has. “If anyone can kill the Humdrum it has to be her. But The Mage looks stressed about all of it, like she’d expected Lexa to be better with her magic by now, “ He says. 

“Yeah, Lexa’s shit at magic. “ They both laugh. But Clarke’s throat is hurting and she realizes she’s holding back her tears. 

“Imagine if it was Octavia. The Humdrum would’ve been dead a long time ago, “ Murphy says jokingly. But when he looks at Clarke and sees that she’s crying he feels kind of bad about it. 

“Stop crying, dude. “ He jokes. “Suck it up. “ 

They laugh for a little bit and then they both fall asleep. There’s not much to do the first few months of Watford. The students all come at different times and the new ones need time to get used to the school and the rules and everything. 

So people normally just use the time to get rest and warm up again, not many use magic outside of Watford. If normal humans catch you you could get jail time. Which sucks because it’s not like normal jail. It’s a sort of spell that takes all your magic away from you for however long you’ve been sentenced and then you have to live a normal life. Capital ‘N’.


	4. I'd be waiting

There’s still a month or so until the school really starts, but with Lexa’s “disability” – basically the fact that has no idea how to do magic – she always begins preparing weeks before she really has to. She reads a couple of chapters in her schoolbooks, just the important ones that teach you the laws of magic, how to control it and other things she’s never been able to do. 

She’s upset, for some reason. She can feel it in the pit of her stomach, something just hurts. She can also tell by the amount of kids, the new ones, which have gathered at the tables around the one she’s sitting at in the dining hall. They’re all whispering stuff, blurry words about how they’re so glad to be there and how Lexa’s sitting right over there and other things like that. 

She doesn’t really mind, though. It’s not bad things they’re saying, plus, they’re so young. If they call her a few words all she has to do is turn to look at them. That’ll freak them out, easy. 

“You’ve started early this year, “ Lincoln says as he sits down next to her. 

“I always start early, “ She says and closes her notebook. 

“Yeah, well. Earlier, then. “ He corrects himself. He clears his throat a little before leaning back against the back of the chair and lifts his feet up on the table. 

“People eat here, “ Lexa says and cleans the table with the sleeve of her shirt as he drops his feet to the ground again. 

“Jeez, I didn’t know you were such a clean freak. “ He laughs. 

“I’m not. I just don’t want people to get sick because you stepped in some poisonous plant out on the football field, “ She says. She’s right, though. The football field is pretty much filled with deadly plants. The goats don’t go there very much. They’re the only reason Lexa can sit on the fields around the school, they eat all the magical plants that grow around the school. 

“You’re being very… Distant, Lexa. “ He puffs. 

“Sorry? “ She says. She doesn’t really know what to say. She’s just had this weird feeling lately, like no matter where she is, she’s not alone. That someone, something, is always starring at her. It’s probably just the constant fear of the Humdrum showing up and kicking her butt. 

“Don’t be. You have a lot to deal with this year. You know, with the Humdrum and all of that. “ 

“All of that. “ She repeats as she closes the rest of her books and puts them in her backpack again. 

“He, it, could come any second. That must be terrifying in some way, “ He says. 

“He might just not come, you know. It’s just old prophecies and stuff. People a hundred years ago saying some kid will show up because some thing will come and kill everything and everyone. It’s not even sure it’s true, “ She says. But they both know that’s complete bullshit. 

“He’s tried every year to kill you, Lexa. This is his last chance. And you know, if you want to get something done you’ll have to do it by yourself. “ 

They sit quiet for a moment before hundreds of other children come to the dining hall and eat dinner. They’re serving mini burgers, one of Lexa’s favorites. But she’s not hungry, not at all. 

“What do you need to get done? “ Jasper asks as he starts piling up food on his plate. 

“The Humdrum, actually. “ Lincoln corrects. 

“Ew, dude. You want to do the Humdrum? “ Jasper laughs and Lincoln pushes him so he almost falls off his chair. 

“Shut it, Jasper, “ Lincoln says with a smile. Plates are flying – literally flying - all around the table as everyone gets a piece of everything. 

“We’re going to fucking destroy it whenever it shows up, “ Octavia says and takes a small bite of her burger. 

“It’ll regret every showing its face a Watford. “ Raven laughs. She goes to take some of the fries and her hand touches Murphy’s and they both go slightly pink, everyone sees it, everyone ignores it. 

“I can’t wait to hurt it, “ Jasper says, a little more serious now than before. Everyone knows he’s had something personal against the Humdrum ever since it killed Maya. 

It’s something no one ever talks about, because they know what Jasper went through when it happened and they don’t want him to fall back again and for him to have to live through all that again. 

It happened at their fifth year. They were only fifteen, so young and stupid. Jasper was madly in love with Maya and Maya loved him. It was crazy how much they cared for each other at such a young age, it made no sense to anyone else but them. 

But the Humdrum didn’t give a shit about that. He sent shape shifters to the school and they kidnapped Jasper, he was the first one to see them and they just chose him. 

One of the shape shifters turned itself into Jasper and went on for three days before anyone noticed him acting weird. See, the thing with shape shifters is that when they turn into someone, they don’t just get their looks. They get every memory and every thought the person’s ever had. 

That way they seem more convincing. But Maya had been talking about Jasper acting weird right from the beginning and suddenly, well. She decided to confront him.

She walked up to “him” and he turned back to a shape shifter – no one actually knows what a shape shifter looks like, Jasper doesn’t remember anything from when they took him. It killed her instantly, right there, in Jasper’s bedroom. 

He didn’t leave school, he doesn’t really have anywhere else. He used to stay at Maya’s parent’s place during the summers. He doesn’t anymore. They bought him a small apartment a little outside of London. 

But he was just in there, in his bedroom, for the rest of the year. He didn’t even leave it once. It took Monty days to convince him to take a shower. He shaved his head and cut himself several times, Monty found him in a small pool of blood one night. 

No one was the same after that. Everyone thought it was over for Jasper. They thought that when he’d eventually had to leave Watford for the summer, that he wouldn’t come back. 

But he did. After six months he started talking and showing up at his classes on time. When the year ended he even went to pick up some of Maya’s stuff from the office building. He’s still not okay, but he’s better. And sometimes he even forgets to be sad and he makes jokes and he laughs. They all like it a lot more when he laughs. 

“We can do it, “ Octavia says with a smile. They all cheer a little and keep talking about different spells to use on the Humdrum. 

Clarke turns to look at Lexa; she’s sitting right next to her. She grabs her hand under the table and Lexa realizes she’s oozing over again. The others haven’t noticed, they’re too busy talking about everything else. 

“Breathe, “ Clarke whispers as she holds Lexa’s hand tight, giving it a squeeze. 

After dinner Clarke and Lexa excuses themselves and walk out on the fields. The sun is setting over the trees, the goats are starting to go back to their little houses. 

“What was that at dinner? “ Clarke asks when they sits down on the moist grass. 

“I don’t want them to fight when the Humdrum gets here. I want, need to do it alone. “ Lexa looks at Clarke. God, she’s missed those bright, blue eyes. They’re practically glowing. When Clarke was younger she did use a spell to make her eyes glow, it was great. 

“That’s dumb, “ Clarke says, confused. 

“No, it really isn’t. I don’t want you to die- “

“I won’t, “ Clarke says with a firm voice. Her soft features on her face have hardened. Something Lexa only sees when Clarke’s about to give everything she can to be right about something. 

“You will, Clarke. You almost died our first year because of me! “ Lexa calls. 

“I am not going to let you die just because you’re being an idiot! “ Clarke says. 

“Well, I am not going to let you die just because you’re being an idiot! “ Lexa says, louder. She can feel her fists clench and she knows her magic is going crazy but Clarke’s eyes get blurry and she blinks a few too many times. 

“We’ll fight together, Lexa. Like we always have, “ Clarke says, her voice a lot calmer now. It seems to work on Lexa, she relaxes a lot more now. 

“But- “ 

“No buts, “ Clarke says. Suddenly they both realize how close they are to each other. Suddenly Lexa realizes how Clarke’s familiar, sweet smell is leaving her palms sweaty from nervousness. She thinks about that kiss, it feels like it happened a million years ago. Not just a few months. 

“Lexa? “ Clarke whispers, getting a firm grip on Lexa’s upper arm. Lexa knows what Clarke’s about to ask, she’s thinking about the same thing. But she knows that if she lets her feelings take over, she’ll end up getting Clarke killed. 

If Lexa’s learned anything from Raven’s many comic books it’s that the “hero” always gets its lover in deep, deep trouble. 

And Lexa can’t risk that. So she pulls away, every muscle she uses hurts, but her heart hurts even more when she sees the embarrassed, hurt look on Clarke’s face. 

“I’m sorry, Clarke. “ Lexa whispers, but it doesn’t really come out the way she wanted it, it never does. 

“I… I need to get back to my room. I, uhm, goodnight. Lexa. “ Clarke stutters and makes her way back to the building. Lexa takes the long way around, just to try and clear her head. 

It worked for a little while, but the second her head hits her pillow it’s going crazy with thoughts and fears. 

She pretends to sleep until she actually does. 

Two months go by even faster now that Lexa’s doing everything she can to either be in her room or out on the fields around the school. She always occupies herself with things to do, like hurdling the goats away from the football field, making sure her room is tidy. She practices a few spells, just simple ones the first years are trying to learn on their own. 

She uses a spell to fold all of her clothes but she ended up not being able to stop the spell and now all of her clothes are folded to tiny little drops of fabric. She’s been borrowing Raven’s until she gets to talk to The Mage about getting some new ones. 

It’s lunchtime, but Lexa has already gotten a plate of food and she’s alone in her room eating it. Raven’s been too busy with Murphy, saying they’re doing a project together on something. She’s not even trying to sound convincing. School hasn’t even started yet, there is no project to work on. 

But Lexa just plays along. As long as Raven’s with Murphy, then Lexa’s alone. She finishes her sandwich and puts her plate away. Normally you’d just spell it clean, but Lexa won’t even try to do that. She leans back in her bed, when a sudden, big wind blows the papers from her desk all around the room. Posters and notes and pictures from the walls are flying all around the room.

Lexa doesn’t even remember opening the window. She looks towards it and feels her hands go cold and her heart almost stopping. 

“Finn? “ She shivers as she says his name. He’s walking out from behind the curtain. He looks so young, in some strange way. But his skin is pale and he has black spots of something gooey all over his hands, face and chest. 

“You killed me, Lexa. “ His voice is cold. Lexa thinks about how a couple of years ago the veil had lifted and a girl’s grandmother had come to see her. Octavia had explained to Lexa that every hundred years the veil lifts and the dead can come back and tell you something, like a big family secret or who their killer was. It’s something Lexa never thought would happen to her. 

But the veil shouldn’t even be lifted right now, nothing about this is normal. 

“You’re the reason I’m dead and you know it! All I wanted to do was to protect Clarke and I died! “ He yells. “It should have been you! “ He’s screaming, but his body is stiff and barely moving. 

Lexa can’t look away, but when another person appears from out of nowhere she can’t keep her eyes off her. 

“Maya, “ She whispers.

“I loved him, Lexa. “ Her voice is so tiny, Lexa misses her. She’s never really thought about how much she misses Maya, they weren’t really that good friends. But she misses her so much at this moment. 

“I wanted to help him! Because you didn’t do anything. You didn’t even realize he was gone! “ She’s creaming, the same way as Finn. Her lips are blue and her skin is pale. Her eyes don’t match the way she’s screaming, they’re cold and lifeless. 

When Bellamy steps out from the corner of Lexa’s eyes, she instantly notices the bloody patch on his stomach. His face is twisted in pain. 

“I was training Clarke, Lexa. “ He begins. “I was training her for a war you started! You’re the reason all of us are dead! And you’ll be the reason more will end up like us! “ They’re all saying it over and over and they’re coming closer to the bed. But their bodies aren’t moving. They’re floating over the hard, wooden floor with frightened looks on their faces. 

Lexa’s terrified. She’s never been this scared before. She looks down in her bed and she can feel it getting warmer and warmer, she’s going to explode. 

She runs past them, through them, somehow, and down the hall. She’s screaming as loud as she can but she can’t hear it herself. She almost jumps down the steps to get outside, ignoring the many people stepping out of their rooms to see what’s happening. 

Lexa keeps running until she’s down to the forest. When she gets to the first row of trees she continues. She runs and runs and runs, ignoring the pain in her legs and chest. She keeps running until she falls to the ground, hard. She hits her shoulder on a rock or a large stick or something. 

But as the pain goes through her body she can’t fight it anymore. She lets go. As the magic pours out of her, she can feel the relief going through her. It’s been so long since she’s felt the weight being lifted off her shoulders and out of her hands and chest. 

She opens her eyes and sees that only a few dozens of trees have been burnt. But the fire stopped the second she opened her eyes and everything’s fine now. 

At least she hopes so. 

She walks back to the fields and sits down. One of the goats sits down in her lap, enjoying the leftover heat rising from Lexa’s skin. 

And without even thinking about it, she starts crying. 

She only stops when Clarke comes and sits down next to her. 

“We need to talk, okay? And I won’t let you leave this time or say something or anything, Lexa. I’ve been thinking about the kiss and about everything, and yes. I know that you feel like you’re putting me in some sort of danger but you have to unders- “ She looks at Lexa for the first time since sitting down. 

“Are you crying? “ She asks, even though Lexa’s eyes are red and puffy and her nose is running. 

“Holy fuck, you’re crying! “ Clarke repeats, this time even louder. She scoots over to Lexa, making the goat run away, and hugs her. She ignores the feeling of her skin burning as she touches Lexa. 

“What happened? “ Clarke asks and Lexa just points to the forest. They’re sitting a little higher up than the forest, so they can look down at it. Clarke notices the big patch of black in the middle of all the green. 

“Shit, “ She whispers. “It’ll grow back soon, Lexa. It’s fine. Why… “ She begins but stops herself. If Lexa’s not telling her why she’s upset right away, then she won’t tell her at all. And even though Clarke hates that, she has to respect it. 

So they sit there, on the field with the burnt grass in the spots that Lexa’s touched, and looks out over the fields and the forest. They don’t say anything, they don’t do anything. Clarke keeps at least one arm around Lexa, she’s not too happy about her shirt anyway, it’s okay if it traps the smell of smoke or gets a little burnt mark. 

As long as she’s sitting next to Lexa, she doesn’t care. She’s missed this so much.


	5. fifty shades of autumn

Clarke gets woken up by Octavia playing loud music, or talking on the phone or she’s watching something on her laptop. Clarke doesn’t really know. Her eyes are closed and she’s facing the wall of their bedroom. She can feel the cold air streaming through the open window, why does Octavia have a thing about opening the window every morning? It’s really fucking cold. 

“’Morning good-looking. “ Octavia smiles as she gets dressed. She’s never been scared to change in front of people, she doesn’t really care. Clarke thinks it’s cool that she’s so secure in herself, sometimes she wishes she could be the same. 

“Can’t I just keep sleeping? Please, “ Clarke mumbles, she’s facing her pillow now. 

“No. Get dressed. Breakfast is already served downstairs. They’re waiting, “ Octavia says. “I’ll meet you there. “ She grabs her purse and walks out the door humming along with the music that’s playing from her phone. 

Clarke’s kind of glad to be alone right now. After last night with Lexa she can’t really focus on talking to Octavia about it. Clarke doesn’t know why she’s thinking so much about it, nothing happened. Lexa was upset, crying, she had gone off in the forest and Clarke was just there to comfort her. 

The usual. 

But she can’t seem to let it go. All the way down to the dining hall she thinks about what she’d wanted to say to Lexa, you know, before she realized she was crying, and what had happened if she’d said it. Maybe it’s a good thing she never told her how she really feels. 

At least that’s what Clarke tells herself over and over again until she sits down at the table with the rest of the group. 

“Good morning, “ Jasper says and gives Clarke the milk and cereal, by now everyone knows it’s her usual breakfast routine. 

“Hey, “ She says and smiles. Her hands are shaking, she’s starving. She skipped dinner last night to be with Lexa and hasn’t eaten anything since. 

“Are you ready for the game later, Lincoln? “ Monty says to start the conversation. Everyone’s tired and no one really has the energy to talk, except for Monty, of course. 

“Yeah, it’ll be fun. The kids aren’t really ready yet but it will be great anyway, “ He says. Octavia is eyeing him from across the table. They can’t go five minutes without looking at each other like they’ve just fallen in love. 

It’s amazing. 

Breakfast ends faster than usual, everybody’s stoked for the match so when they’re done eating they all get out to the football field. Hundreds of people are all around it, some have used their magic to make themselves taller or made them fly to make sure they can see everything that’s going on on the field.

The game ends with a tie, Lincoln was the judge but from time to time he’d join the loosing team and help them score a few goals. Octavia was up front calling Lincolns name over and over again, she is his own personal cheerleader.

“You were amazing! “ Jasper says as soon as they all meet outside the school entrance. 

“I’m twice their size, it’s not a tough job to play against them. “ Lincoln laughs. 

They all walk to each their room to relax. Clarke can feel the fresh air turn from cold to warm as she walks through the girls’ hallway to get to Lexa’s room. 

“Hey, “ She says when she meets Raven on the way. “Did you see Lexa on your way up here? “ 

“No, she’s in our room- “ They open the door and walk inside the room. “Or not. I thought she was here. “ Raven looks in the bathroom. “Maybe she’s downstairs? She was doing some school stuff in the dining hall yesterday, “ Raven says. 

“Let’s look, “ Clarke says and she can’t help to worry. When she thinks back about the football game she doesn’t remember seeing Lexa there after it started. They were all so caught up in the moment that she didn’t realize she left. 

“She’s not here, Raven. “ Clarke looks at Raven. 

“Shit, “ Raven says. “Let’s ask the others, okay? She’s here somewhere. “ 

But as the whole day goes by with looking for Lexa, they don’t come any closer. When the clock strikes midnight they all go to bed. None of them sleep that night. 

“We’ll ask The Mage, “ Clarke says, pulling Raven and Octavia with her to the tower. All of the classrooms are stacked on top of each other in the main tower. And on the top floor, that’s where The Mage’s office is. 

They walk up the many steps to get to the top. The air almost feels thinner up here, or they’re just all out of breath. Watford doesn’t make you do a lot of physical work. 

Clarke knocks on the door a few times and calls for The Mage. 

“Clarke, fuck! Be a little more respectful, God! “ Raven says. She doesn’t like to admit it, but she’s scared of The Mage. Living with Lexa for almost eight years and her being friends, or whatever they are, with The Mage makes you hear things. 

“If The Mage knows where she is I’m not wasting any time being fucking respectful, Raven. “ Clarke has crazy written all over her. She’s been like this before. Whenever Lexa’s about to do something stupid or something worse than stupid, Clarke goes mad. 

“She’s not here, “ Octavia says after they’ve waited for a good while. 

“I’ll knock again- “

“No, Clarke. Just… We’ll go down to the fields again and look, okay? Don’t piss off The Mage, please. “ Octavia tries. 

A week goes by, Lexa’s still gone, Clarke is going crazy, the rest of the group are starting to fear the worst. 

Clarke’s not eating or sleeping, she’s never in her room. She’s always shaking, she’s getting ill. 

“You’ve got to eat, Clarke. “ Octavia lifts a bowl of cereal to Clarke’s face. They’re all downstairs. People have left the hall a long time ago, when they finished eating breakfast. 

“I’m not hungry, okay? I just… I just need to find her, “ Clarke says. That’s pretty much the only thing she’s been saying for the past week. 

“You won’t find her if you starve yourself! “ Raven says. Murphy takes her hand and tries to make her calm down but she’s too upset. “You’re killing yourself, Clarke. This is not helping! “ 

“What if The Mage took her? Or the Humdrum? What if she’s out there, calling for help, waiting for me to get to her? “ Clarke says, raising her voice. “If she’s dying I can’t just sit here and eat fucking cereal. “ 

“Do you want something else, then? “ Jasper asks, but the looks the rest of the group send him tell him he should just have stayed quiet. “She’s here somewhere, though, “ He says. They all look at him again, confused. 

“Well, I talked to some of the new kids here and they say they can still feel her magic. Like, she’s still affecting them in some way. So she has to be at the school somewhere, “ Jasper says. 

Another week flies by, two weeks with Lexa being somewhere and they can’t find her. School has started, but Clarke can’t focus on her homework. The teachers don’t call Lexa’s name anymore and whenever they stop, just about to say it and then just move on, Clarke can’t help but to sink a little deeper in her chair. 

Three weeks and Raven’s outside her room. She’s been staying with Clarke and Octavia for the past week, it got too hard to sleep alone. But she needs one of her books and it’s in her and Lexa’s room. The door seems so big and heavy when she pushes it open. 

“I’m so sor- “ Lexa doesn’t even get to finish her sentence before Raven runs to her and hugs her. 

“Are you okay? “ Raven asks, pulling herself away from Lexa. 

“Yeah, just tired. “ Lexa smiles. But she stops smiling the second Raven’s hand hits her face and a burning heat goes through her cheek. “What the- “

“Don’t you ever fucking run away again you stupid piece of shit! “ Raven screams, she’s not really crying but she also kind of is. Her face is red and her throat hurts. 

“I didn’t have a choice, Raven! I would never just leave you guys, “ Lexa says. She’s standing straight with her arms by her side. She tries to ignore the pain in her cheek. 

“But you did, Lexa. Unless something else happened in which you better fucking tell me right now! “ Raven doesn’t remember ever being this angry. 

“I… I can’t, okay? But I promise you it’ll be okay and that I’m okay and we’ll all be okay. Just… Trust me on this one, please. “ Lexa’s words are like a plead but her voice is calm and collected. She’s not talking like herself, she’s talking like The Mage, that’s all Raven can think about. 

“You stink, Lexa. Take a shower. “ Raven grabs a towel from the basket by the bathroom door and throws it at Lexa. 

“Thank you, “ Lexa says and walks out to the bathroom with the towel and some clean clothes. It’s nice getting a shower. Lexa’s been living off cleaning spells for the past month – they work fine, but it’s the feeling of the warm water hitting her skin she’s missed. Her body’s sore and painted with blue and green marks all over it. She has cuts on her knuckles, knees and a few open wounds on her upper arms. She starts bleeding as the water soaks the wounds and opens them again. 

But she doesn’t feel the pain, it’s like she’s gotten used to it. Her head is spinning so she steps out of the shower. She doesn’t even know how long she’s been in there, but she can hear voices on the other side of the bathroom door so she changes into her clean clothes, wraps her hair in the towel and opens the door. 

She’d expected to see Raven, not Murphy. And she did not expect to see them making out – full on open mouth and tongue. 

“Wow, “ Lexa says, a little louder than anticipated. Raven and Murphy pull away from each other and they both go pink – Raven a little more than Murphy. But it’s probably just the chock of seeing Lexa that takes away most of his attention. 

“So… You’re back? “ Murphy says. There’s a tone in his voice Lexa hasn’t missed. It’s the kind of tone that makes you feel like you’re the dumbest person alive and he’s the king of the world. 

“I am. “ Lexa snaps. “You’re dating? “ 

“Kind of, “ Raven says and her hand, intertwined with Murphy’s, shoots behind his back. 

“Cool, good for you. I’m going to bed, “ Lexa says, but Raven gets a firm grip around Lexa’s arm when she tries to walk past her. 

“No, you are not. You’re waiting until Clarke gets here and then you explain everything. “ Raven lets go of Murphy.

“I’ll talk to her, to everyone, tomorrow. Now… I’m tired, okay? “ Lexa jerks her arm away from Raven but before she even gets to look at her bed, their bedroom door smacks open and Clarke falls into the room. 

“Lexa, “ She says, out of breath and with a shaky voice. She stops dead in the door, as if she’s afraid to scare Lexa away and loose her again. 

“I’m sorry, “ Lexa says, her voice equally shaky. 

“Are you okay? Are you hurt? “ Clarke’s eyes shoot towards the cut on Lexa’s forehead and cheek and the blue marks on the thighs. Her loose shorts aren’t long enough to cover them. 

“I’m fine, really. “ 

“Great. Raven, Murphy. Do you mind leaving us here for a few minutes? I’d like to talk some sense into Lexa, please. “ Clarke’s fists are clenched and her face is turning red. Her knuckles are getting more and more white. 

“Jeez, sure. “ Raven laughs a little as she leads Murphy out the room. He tries to stop her, obviously interested in seeing what Clarke wants do to Lexa, but Raven is probably stronger than he is so she gets him out and closes the door behind them. 

“What happened to you? “ Clarke asks and takes a step forward, still a few feet away from Lexa. 

“I can’t tell you. “ Lexa looks away from Clarke. She tugs at the bottom of her shorts, feeling uncomfortable in them. She never wears the shorts anyway, it’s only because she didn’t really have anything else. 

“Are you kidding me? “ Clarke says. “I’ve been dead worried for the past three weeks, Lexa. And now you’re just back and you won’t even tell me what the hell happened to you! I thought you were dead! I thought the Humdrum had found you and kidnapped you or something, I don’t fucking know. I spend the past three weeks preparing for The Mage to come back and tell us you were gone, “ She says. Her hands are shivering, her whole body shaking with every word. 

“I thought maybe I had done something wrong- “ 

“Never! “ Lexa interrupts her. 

“I thought I had said something wrong or that you were upset about the forest or- “ 

“Everything’s fine, Clarke. “ Lexa takes a few steps forward, to Clarke, and places her hand on her hand. “It’s going to be okay, really. “ She tries to smile, but her face is stuck in a grimace of pain and worry. 

“I care about you, Lexa. These past three weeks have made me realize I can’t do anything without you and- “ 

“Clarke… “ Lexa whispers. It’s killing her to stop Clarke from saying the things Lexa’s thinking about her all the time. But she has to, if she wants to keep Clarke safe and spare her pain if Lexa doesn’t make it in the end. 

“I… “ Clarke bites her bottom lip, looking away. Tears start to form in her eyes, she’s full of so much love and she can’t do anything about it. Lexa won’t let her. Maybe this is what Lexa feels like every day, just with her power instead of love. “I’ll let you sleep. Goodnight, “ Clarke says. She takes one more look at Lexa, scared she might disappear overnight, and leaves the room. 

“Goodnight, Clarke. “ 

The next week goes by slowly. School is tough on Lexa, but Clarke is with her at every class, even the ones she doesn’t take. She feels this need to be with Lexa whenever she can. She can’t quite tell if it’s because she’s missed her or if it’s because she wants to make sure Lexa doesn’t just disappear again. 

Clarke likes the way Lexa sometimes sets things on fire, by accident of course. Even if they’re doing spells about opening books or writing with a pencil without touching the pencil or paper. Somehow Lexa can make things go up in flames just by laughing a bit too much – Clarke has, of course, noticed that those things only happen when Clarke sits a little too close to Lexa. She likes that as well. 

Raven keeps telling Clarke to keep her distance from Lexa, that there’s no need to be her shadow all the time. But Clarke knows that she has to be Lexa’s shadow when Lexa’s the sun. 

Even though Clarke’s helping Lexa with pretty much all of her classes, Lexa still misses a lot of them. Sometimes Lexa’s gone for a whole day, except for breakfast, lunch and dinner. She never misses the food breaks. She’s eating more than Clarke’s ever seen her eat before and she takes naps in the breaks between classes. She’s mumbling spells in her sleep which has had Raven put out three fires and woken up from her legs freezing to ice twice. 

At least that gave her an excuse to limp for a few weeks. She does that all the time anyways, mostly on the bad days. 

But Clarke hasn’t stopped asking Lexa what’s been up with her. She’s even been leaving in the middle of the night or early mornings, that’s what Raven has told her. But Lexa always skips the question or answers with a slight tug on Clarke’s sleeve and ends it with a soft, worried smile. Clarke doesn’t know if Lexa knows what that does to her. How that makes her knees weak and her palms sweaty. How it makes her heart hurt and her lungs fight to get an extra breath. 

Lexa does all of those things to her and she doesn’t even know. Clarke doesn’t even get to tell her, and just because of some stupid shit Lexa has made up to make herself feel better if she doesn’t make it when it all comes down to it. 

It’s stupid. 

But at least it’s now October and it’s the perfect weather. Lexa has always known Clarke was a summer-girl, but Lexa’s autumn through and through. She finds nothing more calming than the fresh air, even though it’s freezing cold, and watching the leaves gather at the edge of the forest, turning fifty shades of autumn as she looks at them. 

“Do you think they’ll notice we’re gone? “ Clarke asks, she used to skip a lot of classes and she didn’t mind it back then. But then The Mage talked to her parents about it and they got really upset with her. 

“It’s a football match. I honestly don’t think they care, “ Lexa says as they sit down on a small blanket on the ground of the fields. They’re on the other side of the school, as far away from the students – and the game – as possible. 

“It’s fucking cold. “ Clarke laughs as she rubs her hands together to heat them up. “It’s getting hot in here, “ She says. It’s a spell, actually. She almost sings it and it makes Lexa laugh. Clarke doesn’t seem to be cold anymore, even Lexa can feel the heat rising from her. She, Lexa, has never done a spell like that. Anything that has the slightest to do with fire, she tries to avoid. 

Even though Clarke doesn’t seem to be cold anymore, she’s still shaking slightly. 

“You’re okay? “ Lexa asks and smiles, laying her hand on Clarke’s knee gently. 

“Yeah, “ She says. “Well, no. Not really. “ She’s looking everywhere but at Lexa. “I need to tell you something, I think. And I know that you’re going to stop me but I’m asking you not to. Actually, if you could just not say anything until I’m done talking, that’d be great. “ Her voice is shivering. 

“Clarke… “ Lexa whispers in that way she always does. But Clarke doesn’t budge. 

“I care about you very much, Lexa. “ She turns to look at her, Lexa’s hand still on her knee. “I’ve been crushing on you for seven year, you know. And it’s not an easy thing to like the girl who’s meant to save the world on day, because she makes up all of these rules about why she can’t be true to what she’s feeling and what’s happening. “ 

“I, honestly Lexa. Fuck, you’re my best friend and the most important person in my life. And I know you won’t let that change anything, even though I don’t agree with you. But I won’t force you in to something you don’t want and maybe you don’t even have those feelings for me and I guess that’s fine. I just can’t go another day without telling you how I feel, because every time I lay my eyes on you my heart stops and my chest hurts and I just want to scream that I love you, because I do… Love you. “ 

Clarke thought she felt pain the few times she’d broken a bone or when she’d lost someone close to her, but the pain of waiting for Lexa to do or say something is one of the worst things she’s ever felt. Say something, she thinks to herself. At this stage she doesn’t really care what Lexa says, she just can’t take the killing silence any longer. 

“I… I’m sorry, Clarke. “ 

Maybe she did care what Lexa would say, because out of all the options that had gone through her head, she did not expect for that to happen. Three words. Three words is everything she could say. 

“I know. “ Clarke’s voice is too light and shaky, Lexa knows she’s about to cry. 

“I really am, though. But I can’t see you get- “ 

“Get hurt, yeah, forgot about that part. I, uhm, let’s get back to the match. It’s a long walk, “ Clarke says and gets up from the blanket. She almost feels dizzy, like she’s in a state of dreaming, as they walk back to the others. 

Lexa’s disappearing a lot more now. She’s gone all night, every night. She spends the first classes sleeping, the teachers aren’t saying a thing. Raven thinks it’s because they know why Lexa’s sleeping and why she’s disappearing all the time. She’s tried to get it out of the teachers, but they always end up giving Raven an essay to do or another book to read as a punishment. 

It’s the fourteenth of October, midnight. It’s pitch-black outside, except for the few fluorescent plants, lighting up the ground outside, on the fields. 

Clarke’s been staying up all night, waiting to hear Lexa leave her room and walk down the stairs. Her and Octavia’s room is down the hall, right in front of the stairwell. She can’t miss it when Lexa leaves her room. 

She can feel her eyes slowly falling shut, but when a high-pitched creek outside of her door comes, she flies up from her bed, grabs her phone and wand and follows the sounds of steps down the hall. For a moment she thinks Lexa walked into the dining hall, which didn’t make much sense. Then she couldn’t see her anymore and after an hour of looking for her, she gives up. 

With long, drowsy steps she walks back to her bedroom, disappointed not to have seen what Lexa’s up to but also exited to go to sleep. She looks out through the window, it’s Lexa. She’s out on the fields, alone. Doing… Magic. 

Clarke can recognize a few of the spells, hungry eyes (that one puts out a plate of poisoned food, good if you’re fighting trolls), woman in chains (that one puts the nearest girl or woman in chains. Of course men made it back in the days). But what Clarke notices most of all is that Lexa’s doing the spells almost perfectly. 

There’s no fire, no mix-up with the words – as far as she can see. Lexa’s doing magic.

The next morning Clarke doesn’t even remember falling asleep. She watched Lexa practice different spells until suddenly she woke up in her bed, fully clothed. 

“You’re up early, “ Octavia says as she sits up in bed, rubbing her eyes. 

“What? “ Clarke asks, confused. She gets up and looks out the window. A few black marks of burnt grass around the area Lexa stood have appeared. 

“You’re already dressed, Clarke. You do know that, right? “ Octavia laughs as she walks across the room, wearing a loose t-shirt (probably Lincoln’s) and a pair of red panties. 

“Oh, yeah. I guess I just fell asleep last night like this. I… I need to tell you something, “ Clarke says. 

“Okay? What’s up? “ Octavia says from the bathroom, she’s leaning in over the sink to put in her contacts. She could just fix her vision if she wanted to, but she says she likes this part about her. Plus, she doesn’t want to risk it. A blind wizard isn’t really the smartest thing. 

“I saw Lexa… Last night- “

“No way! Did you guys- “ 

“No! For the love of all things well, Octavia, not everything is about sex! “ Clarke walks out to the bathroom and sits down on the edge of the bathtub. 

“You’re just saying that because you’ve never- “ 

“Can we just drop it? Please, “ Clarke says, she takes three deep breaths and puts her hair up in a loose bun, letting a few locks of hair drop down. 

“Fine, you started it. What’s up? Really. “ 

“I saw Lexa out on the fields last night… She was doing magic and she was pretty good at it. She was practicing, Octavia. That’s what she’s been doing all this time! “ 

“Shut. Up. Are you shitting me? What did Raven say about it? “ Octavia asks. She brushes her teeth and starts doing little braids in her hair and puts it up in a high ponytail. 

“I haven’t told her yet, “ Clarke says, confused. 

“Oh, you always tell her everything first so, you know, I just thought- “

“No, I don’t. I tell you stuff first too. What are you on about? “ Clarke gets up from the tub and forces Octavia to look at her. 

“Yeah? Like what? You guys are always talking about everything together and then you come to me later. “

“Where is all of this coming from? “ Clarke grabs her hand but she pulls it to herself and continues to fix her hair, even though there’s nothing to fix. “Well… I’m sorry, okay? We’ll talk about this later. I promise! We just need to find out why Lexa was out there. I need to find out, “ Clarke says. She kisses Octavia on the cheek like they always do and then grabs her phone from the floor, it always ends on the floor somehow.

“Raven! “ Clarke knocks on the door multiple times before it opens. “Lexa, “ Clarke says. She hasn’t really talked to her very much lately. “Did I wake you up? “ 

“No, I’ve been up for an hour. “ She sounds confused. “What’s up? “ She straightens her back and folds her hands behind it. 

“I, uhm, is Raven here? I really need to talk to her, “ Clarke says. She can see Lexa’s hurt by the fact that Clarke doesn’t want to speak to her. Lexa takes a few steps back to let Clarke inside. 

“She’ll be back in a few minutes. She’s out with Murphy. “ Lexa leaves the doorway and goes to sit down at her desk. Papers and books are piled onto it, you can easily see that it’s never used for anything other than a place to keep her shit. 

Clarke wants to say something. She does. She wants to tell Lexa that everything will be okay and that whatever’s going on they’ll fix it. But she knows what’s going on – sort of, anyway – and it’s not something she can fix. 

She opens her mouth but before she lets out a single word, Raven comes in the room, smiling like an idiot.

“Oh, hey. “ She grins as she throws her bag at the end of her bed. 

“Can we talk? “ Clarke says and gets up from Ravens bed. Lexa’s still sat at her desk, looking for something amongst the mess, with her headphones in. She doesn’t seem to hear them. 

“Sure, everything okay? “ Raven asks and looks over at Lexa with a confused look.

“I’ll explain in my room, please. “ Clarke nods towards Lexa. 

“Oh, sure. “ Raven grabs her phone from her bag and says goodbye to Lexa after poking her on the shoulder a few times. 

“The fuck! “ Raven yells after Clarke tells her what she saw. 

“I know! “ Octavia says. They’re sitting on the floor, on pillows, the beds aren’t really big enough for them to sit so that they can face each other. 

“We have to talk to about it, “ Clarke says. 

“She doesn’t want to talk about it, otherwise she would’ve told us. “ Raven shoots Clarke a look. 

“We’ll force her. She’s learning how to do spells and I’m sure it has something to do with the Humdrum. “ 

“And The Mage, “ Raven mutters. “What? “ She asks when they all look at her. “If Lexa is doing magic, for the first time ever, The Mage has to have something to do with it. She’s probably training her or something, making sure that when all of this is over she still has something to rule. “ 

“Raven, “ Octavia says. “The Mage is not the bad guy here. You know that. “ Octavia picks at the carpet on the floor. 

“We’ll talk to Lexa about it whether or not she wants to. “ Clarke gets up from the floor. 

“Now? “ Raven asks, clearly surprised. 

“Well, she’s in your room now so why not? No reason to waste time, “ Clarke says and they leave, closing and locking the door behind them.

“You were spying on me? “ Lexa says, her voice is stern and unfamiliar. She’s standing in the middle of the room, the girls sitting around her on the beds. 

“I needed to know what the hell you were doing, “ Clarke says, defending herself. 

“That’s spying, Clarke! “ Lexa swings her arms around as she turns, wanting to leave. But Raven gets up, grabs Lexa’s arm and hits her – sort of gently – on the side of her face. Her cheek turns red. 

“What the- “ 

“Shut up. Shut up! “ Raven yells. “We are your friends and we’re really fucking worried about what the fuck you’re doing! You’re leaving in the middle of the night, making me wake up, knowing you’ve been out there all night. You’re not sleeping or eating or going to your classes. You don’t give a shit about us or what we’re doing. “ 

“You get mad when we care about you, “ Raven says. She’s choking up, you can easily hear it in her voice. She’s struggling with her words now. “You’re ruining yourself, Lexa. “ 

“I’m doing this because I don’t want to die fighting the Insidious Humdrum, okay? I know I can win, but I don’t know if I can survive. And that scares me. Because ever since I was a little girl I’ve been struggling just staying alive. I’ve been dreaming about getting that happy ending I’ve heard so much about and- “ 

She stops talking when Raven wraps her arms around her and they stay like that for a while. 

When everyone has hugged everyone they tell everything to the boys. Lexa also explains that the reason she didn’t tell was that she didn’t want them to get their hopes up, she wanted them to be expecting the worst. 

“That’s fucking stupid, “ Jasper says and laughs.


	6. the shape of us

For the next few weeks up until December the group begins spending all their free-time training with Lexa. Everything goes okay, Octavia gets pissed at Lexa for not pronouncing the different Latin spells correctly, Lexa then tells her that no one uses Latin spells anymore and they stop talking for an hour or so. 

Then Octavia gets reminded that it’s a life or death situation and than she’d much rather see the ‘life’ part of it.

When Christmas break comes around all of the students go home except for Lexa and the others. Lexa always stays at Watford for Christmas, she doesn’t really have anywhere else to go. Plus, she likes the way it’s so quiet. When she was younger she dreamt of becoming The Mage’s helper and always be able to walk around Watford whenever she wanted, even when it would be closed. 

But the others don’t normally stay for Christmas. They go home to their families or friends and have a hoot of a time, at least that’s what Lexa imagines. Raven has asked her a few times if she’d want to join her and her family, but she feels like Christmas is such a personal time, she’d feel like she’d be intruding in some way. 

But since it’s their last year they all called their families and told them they’re staying at the school. Snow has been falling ever since December started, it’s now turning into grey slush beneath their feet. 

It’s the 25th and they’re exchanging presents in Lexa and Raven’s room. It’s the biggest one of them all – a lot of people accused The Mage of giving Lexa that room on purpose, which she probably did to be fair. 

Raven gets some little metal animals that you can put together and tear apart and build up again. Octavia gets a few books and notebooks that she’s wanted for a while. Lincoln, a football signed by different sports-people no one but him knows who are. Jasper gets a hat and some socks – he keeps losing his. Monty, a new hard disc and other little bits and pieces for his computer. Clarke gets a necklace with a little paper swan on it, a symbol she’s always loved.

When it gets to Lexa she’s half asleep, after eating her own weight in Christmas pudding she’s not feeling too good. But she unwraps the folder filled with pictures from every year at Watford. There are photos from Lincoln’s first soccer match, the time Jasper lost a bet and had to eat breakfast in the dining hall only wearing his boxers – the teacher’s got to mad at him he almost got expelled. 

Lexa closes the folder when she starts to feel her throat scratching and her eyes wetting more than usual. 

They spend the rest of the day playing games and watching movies. Lexa has this warm, fuzzy feeling inside her stomach and she doesn’t remember ever feeling it like this. It’s filling every vein and muscle and bone in her body with a feeling of… Gold. 

“You’re okay? “ Raven asks Lexa when the movie ends. They must be able to feel Lexa’s magic or something because they’re all looking drowsy and giggly. 

“Yeah, just happy, “ Lexa answers and smiles when Clarke rests her head against her shoulder. Lexa puts her hand on her thigh and enjoys how the feeling inside of her grows. 

Three knocks on the door send everyone up on their feet, if not, then right when The Mage shows her face in the doorway they’re all standing up. 

“Indra, “ Lexa says, surprised and not realizing she used her first name. 

“Lexa, “ She says with that deep, hoarse voice she has. “Looks like you’re enjoying your Christmas. “ She looks around the room, Jasper’s asleep on the floor. He probably won’t wake up unless the floor beneath him disappears. 

“Yeah, “ Lexa says. She feels awkward, somehow. People always sort of fears The Mage. But Lexa understands her, sometimes. She doesn’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. 

“I came over to give you this. “ The Mage says and pulls out an envelope from within her cloak. It’s a stained piece of paper. “Please, “ The Mage says when Lexa’s about to open it. “Open it later. I want you to enjoy your night. “ She leaves and Lexa feels kind of bad that she didn’t even think about giving The Mage a Christmas present. 

Or a hug. She could really give The Mage a hug right now, it just seemed so right to hug her at that moment. 

When the third Christmas movie ends and most of them are asleep, Lexa grabs the envelope from her desk and opens it.

Her eyes shift over the paper, reading the words over and over again. 

Clarke wakes up first. She grabs Lexa’s hand while her hands are still closed, filled with sleep. 

“What’s happening? “ Clarke asks. She must be able to feel Lexa’s magic overflowing. They all wake up minutes after.

“I… It’s the letter The Mage gave me. “ Lexa stumbles over her words, it doesn’t make any sense. 

“Here, I’ll read it. “ Raven grabs the letter out of Lexa’s hand and clears her throat a little. 

"The Mage. 

You must understand that having such an important – though, still dangerous – person living amongst hundreds of students is not a wise choice. 

I understand that she is the last of her clan, and that the 13th clan was slaughtered because of their beliefs, but that does not make it any safer for her, or for anyone around her. 

She was weak when she was born, didn’t live up to her name or place in the clan. But as The Insidious Humdrum murdered the members, she got their power. 

She is now the most powerful wizard alive and the last member of the 13th clan, that makes her a target for the Humdrum. 

Get rid of her or we will. " 

Raven is left breathless, she’s fuming. 

“I fucking knew it! I knew that son of bitch knew why the Humdrum is after you! She said she didn’t know and she knew, that piece of shit liar. “ Raven drops the letter to the ground and gets up form the floor. 

She paces around the room, back and forth from the beds to bathroom. 

“My family… They used to fight by the 13th clan’s side, “ Octavia says as she reads through the letter, not believing it the first – or second – time. 

Lexa doesn’t know what to say. She’s eighteen years old, she’s known The Mage for eight years and it’s only know she decided to tell her who her family is and why she’s being attacked by a monster. 

They all go to bed soon after, too tired to think more of it.

As Raven turns in her sleep, a seizing pain shoots through her leg, it’s familiar and it wakes her up instantly. 

She curls around herself in her bed as she fights for air. She can’t open her eyes – or maybe they are open and she’s just gone blind – nonetheless, she can’t see anything. She lets out a scream and it’s not that it helps screaming, but she keeps doing it over and over and louder and louder. 

Lincoln, Octavia, Jasper, Monty, Clarke, Lexa and Murphy are all standing around her bed, she can see them now. They’re panicking. Octavia and Clarke are running out of the room, probably calling for help. Jasper and Monty are trying to stay out of the way for Lincoln who’s doing different numbing spells. Lexa’s panicking near the bathroom, looking for the medicine Raven was given when it all happened. 

Murphy is sitting next to, combing his fingers through her hair, trying to make her calm down. But she’s shaking and she’s hurting, God, she’s never felt a pain this strong. 

She can see Clarke and Octavia coming back into the room, they’re saying something. Raven can’t really hear it, something is making her hearing go weird. She thinks she heard the word ‘nurse’ or something like that. 

Her throat it starting to hurt from screaming, she’s still screaming. She can’t stop now, it’s like a sort of relief in a way. 

The next time she opens her eyes she’s lying down on a hospital bed. She remembers it from year ago when she hurt her leg. The old nurse is giving her potions and doing different spells, but nothing’s working. 

In the end Raven passes out from the pain.

“You fucking did this to her! “ Murphy screams at Lexa, everyone’s taking aback by how sudden this comes. He was so quiet, whispering sweet, calming things to Raven, just minutes ago. Now he’s all up in Lexa’s face, pointing at her, spitting out curse words like they’re his way of breathing. 

“You ruined her! You’re the one deserving to scream in pain, Lexa! You’re the bad one here, “ He says and whips out his wand – not a lot of people use their wand, Murphy’s always used, though. 

“Man down! “ He screams and Lexa falls to the ground, screaming in pain. Everyone around Murphy’s pushing and hitting him, but he’s determined to keep his focus on Lexa.

A minute later three guards come out from the hospital wing and drag Murphy with them. They evaporate with him when they realize he’s still doing the spell. 

Lexa stops screaming shortly after, but she doesn’t stop shaking. Her head is pulsating and her hands are clammy but freezing cold. She gets up from the ground, supporting herself to the outside wall of the hospital building. 

Clarke is standing in front of her, helping her stay up. The others are all over the place, talking with some guards who want to know what happened. 

“I… I can’t… “ Lexa stutters, looking down at Clarke who’s looking almost as hurt as Lexa. 

“Lexa, no! “ Clarke calls as Lexa runs away from her, towards the forest. She’s done this before, kept running even though her lungs hurt and her legs burn. But this time Clarke catches up with her and grabs her wrist to stop her. 

“It’s not your fault! Don’t listen to him, he’s hurt, okay? He didn’t mean- “

“But it’s true! “ Lexa cries, she didn’t realize she was crying but now that she’s thinking about crying, the tears are spilling out of her. 

“I hurt Raven because I wasn’t thinking. I’m the reason she’s in the hospital! I… I saw Maya and Bellamy and Finn in my room and they were yelling at me, telling me everything is my fault and it’s true! I thought the veil had lifted and that they were back but that couldn’t be possible. “

Lexa’s sobbing as she falls to her knees, Clarke following her to the ground, keeping her arms around Lexa’s. 

“It hurts so much to be the bomb in all of this. But I’m not feeling the pain, I’m seeing how it’s hurting everyone around me. I’m killing the people other people love! I’m hurting the people who’ve been so lucky to fall in love with someone else! I’m the bad guy here, not the Hum- “

Lexa could’ve kept going on and on about how horrible she is, Clarke knows that. That’s why she decided to shut her up the best way she could think of, by kissing her. 

Lexa has not been outside of The Mage’s office many times. Every time she ends up there it’s because she’s asking something of her. And with everything The Mage has given Lexa, she hates asking for more. 

But this time she’s not there because she wants something. She’s there because she needs something. 

It takes two knocks on the door before The Mage opens it quickly, she’s clearly stressed about something. But Lexa’s not here to be nice.

“Lexa, “ The Mage says her name like she’s the center of the world. The most important person there’s ever lived. 

“The Mage. I’m sorry to disturb you, but I need you to release the student John Murphy from… Wherever your guards have taken him. “ Lexa stands with her hands folded behind her back, chin high and a chest forward – the same way The Mage does whenever she’s discussing something political and Lexa’s there. 

“I’m afraid I can’t do that, sorry. “ The Mage’s voice is cold and harsh, that’s probably the main reason no one likes her very much. She’s a leader, leaders have to be that way. 

“He didn’t do anything wrong! “ Lexa tries to fight the frustrated tears that she’s already shed once today. 

“I am not going to give you special permission, Lexa. Respect my choice or leave, “ The Mage says. 

“I’m not asking you to give special permission! I am asking you to be reasonable. He loves her and he tried to hurt me because I hurt her! “ 

“But that’s the thing, Lexa, he didn’t just try. He did hurt you. He used a spell, a fighting spell, on another student in the means of hurting- “

“If you don’t let him go more people will hate me, Indra. I am trying to fix things… Things that don’t seem to be able to get fixed, okay? But by locking him up or throwing him out of the school… That just makes it worse. So, please, listen to me and let him go, “ Lexa says. She doesn’t even realize how she’s just been walking inside The Mage’s office before she stops speaking. 

The Mage is looking at her in a way she’s never done before. She’s angry. She looks… Proud. 

“I will let him go. “ 

Lexa runs back to her room to find Murphy sitting outside of it. 

“I’m sorry, Murphy- “ 

“No. Don’t do that or say that or whatever. It won’t help anyone here. “ He walks inside the room the second Lexa unlocks the door. 

“I’ll forgive you when Raven’s okay again, “ He says as he sits down on Raven’s bed. “They’re sending her away, for now. They told me it wouldn’t help anyone if she stayed here. I’m going with her. “ 

Lexa feels this heavy weight inside the gut of her stomach. 

“That’s good, “ Lexa says, thinking that now two of her friends will be gone for when the Humdrum decides to attack. 

“Try not to hurt anyone else whilst we’re gone, “ He says and that’s sends Lexa off. She turns to face him, gets up from the chair she was sitting on by the desk and just start screaming at him. 

“I am so sick of you doing that! You’re so ignorant to how I or anyone else is feeling! You think my life is just a walk in the park, don’t you? Well, it’s fucking not! Everywhere I go, people stop and stare or point at me or call me names or they look at me like I’m the worst person in the world… Because I am! “

She takes a step back, feeling how she’s overflowing again. 

“When I was young, before I started here, I had no where to go. I was a child alone in this stupid world without a single soul giving a rat’s ass about me! I know how it feels to be alone! It was horrible. But the feeling I get whenever someone reminds me of what I’ve done… Without even realizing or doing anything… That’s the one that’s killing me! “

She’s not even looking at Murphy anymore, she’s looking at herself in the mirror that’s hanging on the wall next to the door, over Clarke’s bed. 

“Don’t you think I know that I scare more people than the Humdrum? The reason people fear the day the Humdrum comes is because that’s the day I have to actually try and use my magic… And everyone here knows that I don’t know shit about how to do that… I will probably be the reason for more people dying than the Humdrum… Than the monster! “ 

“Lexa… “ 

“No! Just… Hate me as much as you want, I don’t care. It’s not like I have enough time here to actually be able to do anything about it… Just know that I hate myself even more. “ 

“I… “ 

“Don’t… I get it. Just promise me that when all of this is over… You have to protect Raven. She needs you, okay? Just… Stay safe, “ She says and leaves the room, failing to close the door completely behind her. 

A week goes by. Raven and Murphy left a few days ago, when it was safe for Raven to travel. Now Lexa’s lying in her bed, alone, slowly realizing why she woke up.

There’s a panicked screaming going on outside, she can hear people run back and forth from the hallway. A bright, orangey red light is burning outside of her window, something’s on fire. 

Lexa shoots out of bed, gets dressed and puts her hair up in a ponytail. Her hands are shaking and she thinks she’s forgetting how to breathe. 

Outside her room people are running and crying and screaming. They’re either running out of their rooms or running into them. At the end of the hallway, near the staircase, she sees Clarke. She’s talking to a young girl Lexa’s seen a couple of times, she doesn’t remember her name. 

“Lexa! “ Clarke pulls her in for a tight hug and then lets go. “It’s here. The Humdrum is here. “ Clarke’s words are something Lexa’s expected, almost waited for, for a long time. 

Lexa runs down the stairs, she can hear Clarke running right behind her, and outside. She pushes past the people running in and out of the building, boys and girls are all over the place. Some are bleeding, some are not saying a thing, eyes full of chock. 

As Lexa gets outside to the fields she sees the many people lying on the ground. They’re not moving. She can see Octavia in the distance, helping people get away from the place were there once was a building. 

Now it’s nothing but dust and ruins. 

The air is filled with loud noises, you can almost feel them banging against your eardrums. Lexa can see kids running away from something, but a dark, red toned smoke is surrounding it, leaving it hidden. 

Lexa runs towards it, but stops when she feels Clarke’s sweaty hands grab her wrist. 

“Lexa, don’t. We’re doing this together, you promised. “ Clarke’s words are soft, almost whisper. It makes no sense that Lexa hears them so clearly with everything going on in the background. 

“Together, yes. “ Lexa breathes and they run past the people running towards them. 

“Hey! “ Jasper, Monty and Lincoln calls, they’re much closer to the dark smoke than the girls are. They run towards them, but it’s too late. 

The Humdrum walks out from the cloud of smoke, revealing itself. It’s a perfect image of Lexa when she first came to Watford. Eleven years old, thin and weak. But the eyes are black and there’s a wicked grin smeared across its face. 

The boys are casting different spells, hitting it with every single on of them. But it doesn’t budge, it almost seems to find it funny. 

The Humdrum raises its hand and lets out a horrible laugh. A black stream of light shoots out of its palm, hitting Monty’s stomach. He falls to the ground and doesn’t get back up. 

Lexa screams at the sight of it and runs towards it, faster than she’s ever run before. She leaves a wall of fire behind every step she takes, running around it to prevent anyone from getting too close to it, but also to trap it in there. 

Lexa can hear Clarke’s screams fill the air, telling her to stop. 

Clarke whips out her wand, she’s never really used it before. It feels weird in her hand. But she thinks about every spell she’s ever used to put out the fires Lexa has started over the years. Jasper, Lincoln and Octavia come to help her, repeating water-spells over and over again. 

A small gap between a couple of flames appears and they all run for it. The fire consumes the air behind them again. 

Clarke sees Lexa standing in front if the younger Lexa, the Humdrum. They all start spitting out spells. Lincoln uses a spell that casts a bright yellow light around all them, the Humdrum gets annoyed and spits Latin words as it shoots another dark stream of light out of its palms. 

The second Lincoln hits the ground with a pained look on his face, Octavia screams until she looses her voice. She thinks of every illegal spell, every spell that’s supposed to kill the person that gets hit by it within seconds. She only stops doing them when the Humdrum turns to her and laughs a husky, lazy laugh. 

Octavia falls by Lincoln’s side as the beam of light from the Humdrum hits her. 

“Clarke! Don’t! “ Lexa screams. She can see how she’s running towards it, wand held high in the air, a pained look on her face. 

Lexa screams the words woman in chains and sees how Clarke’s legs gets wrapped in metal chains and falls to the ground. Lexa mouths an apology to Clarke when she sees how tears are streaming down her face. 

Lexa closes her eyes for a few seconds and thinks about a spell The Mage taught her. She imagines a sort of shield, see-through, light but strong, oozing out of her and over her friends. She imagines how it’s hovering around Clarke who’s almost right next to her, over Octavia, Lincoln and Jasper who are all together on the ground. 

She puts it there, thinks about how it’ll stay there and protect them. Keep them warm and safe for now. 

“Lexa! “ Clarke screams from within the shield. She knows what Lexa’s about to do and she’s doing everything she can to get out of the chains. 

Lexa turns to look at her, smiles, gives a soft wave and takes in a deep breath. 

“LEXA! “ Clarke screams through her tears and the pain as the chains wraps even tighter around her legs when she tries to wiggle out of them. 

“May we meet again, “ Lexa says loud enough for Clarke to hear. 

“Please! “ Clarke screams and yells and she curses with every step Lexa takes towards the Humdrum. 

Lexa stand in front of it, almost close enough to touch it. She takes a deep breath and as she exhales she lets go. Of all of it. She feels how she’s not overflowing, she’s creating holes in herself. Letting her magic pour out, flow along the grass until it gets to the monster standing in front of her. 

She keeps going even as she falls to her knees. She opens up her arms, she can feel how every bit of power lets go of her and flows into the Humdrum. 

She opens her eyes as a hollow feeling runs through her body. The vision of the Humdrum standing in front of her, screaming as its skin burns away from all of the magic pouring into it. 

“It’s over… “ Lexa whispers and breathes through a soft grin. 

She turns to look at Clarke but before she sees her everything goes white and quiet. 

It’s over.


	7. I shall cross this river

It hurts her eyes when she opens them again. A strong, bright light burns her eyes and she has to close them again, rubbing them to make the pain go away. She sits up and she can feel how her head is spinning. She feels like she’s breathing in dust. Her lungs are burning.

She pushes herself up on her elbows until she feels a crushing weight surround her, it’s Clarke. She’s hugging her. 

Lexa moans in pain and when she opens her eyes again she sees the familiar face hovering over her. 

“How are you feeling? “ Clarke asks when Lexa’s sitting up against the wall of bedroom. 

“Weak… “ Lexa says. She’s never felt like this before, like there’s something she can’t do. She has no energy… No power. 

“I’m sorry, “ Clarke says. “The Mage says you used all of your magic when you killed the Humdrum- “

“It’s gone? “ Lexa asks, thinking back to what happened a minute ago. 

“Yeah, we think so anyway. Nothing’s happened in the past week so- “

“Week? “ Lexa asks, taking a sip of the water bottle that’s standing next to her bed. 

“You’ve been out for week, “ Raven says and smiles. “Welcome back. “ Lexa leans over to hug her tight and sees the wheelchair Raven’s sitting in. 

“It’s okay, “ Raven says when she notices Lexa starring at it. “It’ll get better. It always does. “ She smiles. 

Lexa looks around her bedroom. Murphy and Jasper are sitting across the room on Raven’s bed when Lexa remembers what happened to the rest of the group. 

“Octavia and Lincoln and Mon- “ 

“They’re okay! Don’t worry, “ Clarke says and looks at her. She looks terrified with every breath Lexa takes, fearing it’ll be the last. “They’re at the hospital now. They woke up a day after everything happened. The doctors think that the shield or whatever it was you made, healed them in some way. “

The next day Lexa wakes up with Clarke by her side. Their bodies are tangled together, Clarke’s still sleeping. Lexa moves her hand up to comb through Clarke’s soft, golden locks when three knocks on the door appears. 

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to- “ 

“It’s okay, “ Lexa whispers and sits up a little. She does it slowly, trying not to wake Clarke up. She can’t even begin to imagine how little she must’ve slept whilst Lexa was out. She knows she wouldn’t have slept at all if it were Clarke who was hurt. 

“It can wait, “ The Mage says, but she doesn’t mean it. She sits down on Raven’s bed, something she’s never done before. 

“Everything’s okay? “ Lexa says. 

“I hope so, “ The Mage says and looks out through the window over Lexa’s bed. “Eleven people died that day. Their families were here the day after. We’re having a memorial in a few days and I would like for you to say a couple words about what happened. “ 

“Eleven… “ Lexa repeats, making her grip around Clarke’s back tighter just from the thought of her being one of the eleven. 

“Will you? “ The Mage asks. 

“I’ll do it, “ Lexa says and when Clarke turns and mumbles something about Lexa being loud, The Mage leaves the room with an eased smile. 

The memorial starts three days later. Everyone’s wearing their school uniform, the black one. People are crying as they hug each other goodbye. The school will be closed for the next year or so, just to get everything back together. 

People will attend a school near Germany or France as long as Watford is down. 

The students’ families are here, saying hello to old friends or how sorry they are for the parents’ who lost their child or children. 

“Ready? “ Clarke tugs at Lexa’s tie as they stand near the stage, waiting for a couple of teachers to end their speech. 

“I don’t know, “ Lexa says. But she leans in to kiss Clarke softly on the corner of her mouth and an ease falls over her, leaving her nervous and not so much scared. 

“I’ll be cheering for you, “ Clarke says and it makes Lexa let out a soft laugh. The Mage says a few words before she asks Lexa to join the stage. A few people clap, others start to whisper. 

“I want to start of telling the parents who’ve lost something or someone how sorry I am. I know it was my job, my goal, to help and save everyone here. I failed and I am sorry. I can’t imagine how hurt you must be, how angry and how upset. Nothing I say will or can help you, but know that my heart and my thoughts will be with you in the darkest of times, like this one. “ 

Lexa takes a few deep breaths as she lets the papers with her notes on fall to the podium she’s standing behind. People are no longer whispering, a few are actually looking touched by her words. 

“What happened here is a tragedy, “ She says, her words echo over the stage and the crowd who are gathered around the stage. “Something evil came, the Humdrum came, and it destroyed, hurt and killed. It hurt my fellow students, my friends and that is something I will never forgive. At this moment we don’t know what happened to it, to be honest I don’t remember. 

“I was told that when I… When I let go of my magic, my power, it crushed it. If the prophecies are true then it’s dead. But for now we know nothing. I know I have not been popular in this world. I know that I have hurt people. “ She looks down at Raven who shoots a caring smile back at her. 

“I know that I have been the reason people have died, not just tonight, but before. “ She whispers a ‘sorry’ to Jasper and he wipes away the tear with his hand and sends her a comforting nod as she continues. “I was put in this world eighteen years ago. When I turned eleven a woman came to me and told me that one day I would be saving the world. 

“Before that happened I was alone. I was dying. There was not a single person in the whole world that cared about me. Then I came to Watford and instantly I made friends. I made enemies as well, but I didn’t care about that. As long as I was surrounded by the people I love. 

“Watford, The Mage and the students here gave me a life I could never even dream about having. This place might have put people in danger, it might have made bad decisions over the years or been the place of sorrow and sadness to some. But this place is also the greatest place in the world. 

“Yes, I have only ever really been in the UK and nowhere else, but I swear to all of you that you will never find a place with more love or care than Watford. That is also why it makes me sad to think about how when I leave today… I won’t ever get to come back. 

“So to all of you who are so lucky to only just have started here… You better enjoy it. “ Lexa laughs a little and the crowd laughs with her. She looks down at her papers and sees how her tears place little spots on them. 

“Because there is nothing I wouldn’t do to start over and get to do all of this again, better, of course. So Watford, The Mage, students and families… Thank you for everything and… From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry. “ Lexa’s voice breaks in the last sentence and she walks down the stage before people even begin to clap. 

But as she falls into Clarke’s arms behind the curtain, they do. People clap and a few even whistle. They’re cheering for her, showing a form of respect she’s never felt before. 

“You did so good, “ Clarke says and kisses the top of Lexa’s head, wiping away the tears that are still hanging onto her jaw. 

 

It doesn’t take long for people to start leave. Murphy and Raven leave first out of the group. Monty, who’re being held up by Jasper – his legs aren’t the best yet – leave shortly after. Octavia and Lincoln walk away holding hands and kissing each other – they’re okay now. 

So as Clarke and Lexa sit down together at the edge of the stage, as families evaporate their way out of Watford, they think about what’s next. 

“You’re so warm, “ Lexa says as she lays her head on Clarke’s shoulder. 

“It’s because I’m more powerful than you are now. “ Clarke laughs. 

“It feels weird. Like this ball of heat inside of me finally stopped burning, “ Lexa says. 

“I’m sorry you had to lose your powers- “

“It was worth it, “ Lexa says and looks up at Clarke who’s already looking at her. 

“What now? “ Clarke asks and kisses Lexa’s forehead. 

“Lets go home. “ Lexa smiles and turns to kiss Clarke fully. 

Lexa can feel it in her stomach, this is so much more powerful than her magic. 

This is stronger and thicker. This is more gentle and warm, but at the same time it’s scarier than she’d ever imagined. 

She can’t wait to start her life in Clarke’s arms. 

This is her happy ending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the last chapter of this story so i hope you've enjoyed it
> 
> ao3 is fucking with me right now. it's not letting me mark the chapters as X/7... to show the story's over
> 
> so i'm sorry, i'll try to fix it


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